Friday, April 11, 2008

Out, out, damn anger!

I'm angry, I guess. I don't go screaming, yelling, cursing, puffing up at anyone, rolling my eyes, flipping my hands or finger, sucking my teeth. Personally, I just don't see those methods as productive. IMO, when you do things like that, no one stands to benefit (except maybe the one screaming, yelling, etc.) and you simply transfer the anger to someone else instead of getting rid of it altogether.

I (and several people I know) got caught up in a stupid situation that ended up just fine for each of us, I hope, but maybe not all of us as a group. Not yet, anyway. I can't and won't speak for anyone else (although I can make assumptions and judgments as I feel was done to me) but I can and will speak for myself. That's why I have this blog, I guess. This kind of cathartic post doesn't have ANY place on the blog I created years ago for my family and my child, and it doesn't belong on the mama drama blog because it's not all about those women.

I guess I didn't realize how angry I was until I was IMing a friend last night. All of the people in the "kicked out" crew, and a couple of others, IMed or texted me when they saw my status updates on MySpace and whatnot, which was thoughtful. At the time of those status updates, I was actually angry in general at mommy groups, and women, and bullshit, and liars, and instigators, and fakes... little bits of each of those things pushed me into a mood I was entitled to be in-- a mood I earned, after trying to act like an adult for a long time and trying to hope for the GOOD in people for a long time. I wasn't angry at anyone in particular. Some friends in general, people in general, but I wasn't being passive-aggressive and cryptic as I am sure it looked. Whatever.

A friend of mine recently said she was the most introspective person she knows. I think introspection is important for anyone! You need to look at, think about, consider yourself and what's going on in your head. She said (in reference to another person) "You don't know what's going on in [my head.] Only I know what's going on in [my head.]" Personally, I agree with AND ECHO THAT 100%. And I don't doubt that for a minute about this friend. But I think others doubt that statement about people in general. For example, I have met quite a few experts on ME recently. It's fascinating. (THAT WAS SARCASM... in case you didn't get it.)

What gives anyone the right to analyze words, actions, moods, behavior of others? I don't even think "trained professionals" have that right. Making analyses and judgments on other people (though we all do it, don't we... myself included?) is a severe violation of those people's rights to simply exist and do whatever they fucking want for whatever fucking reasons they want.

Anyway. Over the past few months, for a variety of reasons and because of a variety of people/things, I have felt a bunch of different ways. It's definitely hindered my ability to be who I really am, and it's definitely affected my relationships down here. I think I have been and will continue to be judged (I think there's irreparable damage) but now that's my cross to bear, because I am tired of trying to prove myself to strangers AND friends.

"Who cares what people think?" is a phrase I've heard a lot lately. I'm sure the answer varies from person to person. I think most people I know would say "Not me! Whatever! Fuck them all! I am who I am and if you don't like it, tough!" but I call bullshit. I think people care. I'm not saying you feel like you have to be liked by EVERYONE (which is what I think people think about ME), but I think, if you are a good person and proud of the good that you are, YOU CARE. When you are mislabeled (by ignorant mommy group administrators/members OR by friends, etc.), it's painful and knocks the wind out of you. And BECAUSE you care about the person you are, and are proud of the person you are, YOU CARE when you get mislabeled. Why is that so fucking taboo??

I've been accused of constantly seeking external validation, and maybe I am! Why would anyone want to be labeled as something awful-- something they are not-- and not want to fight it? It's bullshit if you ask me. I don't see it as seeking VALIDATION (I know who I am, and clearly only one of the few that do) but I AM very serious about the person I am, and it DOES bother me when/that people mislabel me. Is that external validation? If so, then fine. I'm seeking external validation. External validation comes in many forms-- I have a friend who gets it by being an unforgiving boss, a friend who got it from a blog review, a friend who gets it by feigning "fierce independence," a couple of friends who get it from one another, a friend who gets it by constantly telling me how unbelievably perfect her marriage is, etc. To an extent, we all get it and need it in some way or another. Not caring at least in SOME way or another separates you from being a human being. Unlike many other creatures, we have the ability to feel emotion. We have feelings. Why so many people try to hide or fake theirs is beyond me.

I am paranoid. Or rather, I have become paranoid (thanks, mommies of Wilm!!). I'm different than the specific group of friends I was "singled out" with from the mommies group. They are all very vocal and they are the screaming, yelling, and sometimes mean-types. NO JUDGMENT (I can definitely be mean). They know it, anyway. Actually, I'd say they are self-proclaimed "these things." But my style is just not the same as theirs for the reasons I stated above, and I think that has launched me into an entirely different category and dimension as theirs. I think it's been the source of tension for the group as a whole. I think conversations have been had and unpleasant things have been said. That's fine. I don't like it (who would?), but it's fine. We all have to vent somehow and to someone(s).

I try to be honest. Maybe "forthright" is a better word. I have never hidden anything from anyone (I probably should have, LOL... not everything HAS to be shared), I have never bitched, complained, or vented about my friends behind their backs. And you are a hypocrite, my faithful readers, if you have done so while also screaming "I say what I need to say to your face!" on the highest of pedestals...

I think forthrightness has become my enemy though. Who says "Honesty is the best policy"??? It's not. I have been honest and open and I have worn my heart on my sleeve and I have struggled and it was known and I have been hurt and I have done what I had to do to recover and I have been... well, whatever. I think if I had just "Whatevered" everything from the get-go, I'd be in a better position now. With the outside world. But I try to be true to myself so I did what I had to do, selfishly, for ME, and will just face the consequences.

I regret any exhaustion suffered by my friends, my husband, my sister, etc. The drama should have started and stopped on day 1, but it kept popping up here and there and I think that kept throwing a wrench in the works. I AM sorry. But don't worry. It's over now. Almost. ;)

I dropped out of (almost) all groups. I need time to re-connect with myself and really move on. I am giving, and taking, space. Hopefully it'll help.

SO I AM ANGRY. Or I was. I have a blog that helped me get rid of some of those feelings, and THIS blog is helping me get rid of the rest. There are residual feelings for sure, but time will take care of those, I hope. Time and TRUST. But...

I don't trust anyone. Sorry. I know trust is important in relationships. I hope to get it back someday.

Why can't we all just get along?


MizSassy said...

HEY! I've never said I was mean. I say I am a bitch. AND have you ever seen me yell or scream, seriously? That would cause wrinkles on this baby skin face.

Kristie said...

@mizsassy: MY BAD!! Though T did once call herself a "Mean Girl" which I thought was HAlarious.

But, at the risk of sounding like I am "bending," you're right. I have never heard any of you bitches yell OR scream. I should have replaced those things with "outwardly vocal." ;)

Temple said...

At the risk of dragging htis out further...never mind.