Sunday, August 31, 2014

Facebook... selfies

I feel like I purge a lot about Facebook (if not, I THINK a lot of nasty things about it). I love it; I love the ability to take a little glance at a bunch of people. I mean, I probably truly care about 5% of my "friends" max, but at some point I'm sure I gave a shit about the other 95%, at least a little bit. So it's nice to have access to a "snapshot" of these people, whether I want it or not.

HOWEVER... you fucking selfie people! I'm not talking about the people who jump in a cute selfie picture WITH A FRIEND. And I'm not talking about the occasional solo selfie (for whatever reason... because you think you look beautiful-- 99% of the actual reason to take a selfie, yet .000001% of the admitted reason-- or anything else).

I'm talking about you people who CONSTANTLY post selfies because YOU LOVE YOURSELVES. Now, first of all, let me get this out of the way: good for you for loving yourself. More people could stand to love themselves; I think the world would be a happier place. Maybe you've been dieting or working out and the results are showing and you're proud. Be proud, by all means!

But if you love yourself and CONSTANTLY (I'm talking constantly... one of my "friends" posted FOUR selfies in the last hour alone) post selfies, EMBRACE IT, OWN IT...


Don't pretend you're posting a picture of your kids (in the background, as you sit there looking sultry in the foreground). Don't pretend you want your FB "friends'" opinions of your necklace. Don't pretend you're showing off your new shoes (here's a hint: a close-up of your shoes would give us all a better look... not a selfie from the roots of your hair, wayyy down your body in your hot pants... finally ending at a pinky-nail sized picture of your hooves). Don't pretend you're sending everyone "Holiday greetings!" by posting a close up of your made-up, creepy-unnaturally-white-teeth face. How is your FACE a holiday greeting? And what about you people who post "weekend activity" selfies? A close up of your fucking head... again... with the post "Heading out to (insert concert/bar/beach here)? I don't see any musicians/drinks/sand in your pictures. If you're telling me you're heading to the beach, I WANT TO SEE THE BEACH. Not your face.

Look. Just admit it. Why doesn't anyone ever say "Holy fuck, I look SO HOT today!" or "Check out my incredible rack..." or "Have you seen this ass?" We all know that's what you're thinking. We all know. We ALL know you are totally in love and smitten and turned on by yourself, and you are passive-aggressively trying to rope the rest of us in (and don't get me started on the idiots who fall for it-- because there ALWAYS exists as least one-- "Damn girl, you look great!").

Look... it's bad enough you do it, but worse that you hide behind your stupid excuses for doing it. Own it. Admit it! Or just... back away from the Facebook.

Tuesday, January 14, 2014


The movie = brilliant

The television show = ludicrous

(The job = best ever)

Monday, January 13, 2014

Watch your kids!

I went to the park this week with my family. We brought my son's baseball gear to play a little and practice some skills. He wanted to play but my daughter did not, so she and I played "hide and seek" while my husband and son played some baseball.

Meanwhile, three little kids... probably 8, 4, 2 years old... kind of, well, adopted us. The older boy stared longingly at my boys while they played ball (until he finally begin to play), and the younger two began to hound me to play hide and seek with us, and to help them reach the monkey bars, and to catch them when they jumped, and to hold their sweaters...

This doesn't usually bug me. I mean... I generally love kids. Generally. Like, the concept in general. I really do! But admittedly, I am usually indifferent at best to other people's kids (unless I really know them/their parents). So I guess as it gets more specific, I'm indifferent. Kids are kids and they're usually cute and innocent and bah blah blah. I like the children of my friends, and the friends of my children. I'm "meh" about stranger kids but naturally take a bit more of an interest once they start interacting/playing with my kids.

But I ABSOLUTELY LOATHE being the "playmate" of stranger kids. I loathe it. I am happy to play with my children, and then a few others in like a one-kid radius of that... but stranger kids who rope me into some sort of game or activity really kind of bug me.

Now... add into that a mom who is sitting mere inches away, nose in her iPad, not even pretending to pay attention or care what her kids are doing. Sure, she could be researching a cure for cancer. Sure. Or she could be instant messaging with a friend who just got a divorce and needs a cyber-shoulder to cry on. SURE. But I don't think that's what was happening.

I GET THE NEED TO GO TO A PARK AND LET YOUR KIDS JUST PLAY IN A WAY THAT DOESN'T REQUIRE INVOLVEMENT OR INTERACTION BY YOU SO YOU CAN READ PEOPLE MAGAZINE ONLINE. I do! Believe me, I do. I think I might have invented that need, actually. But it's not MY job to give you your "solo park time." It's not MY job to entertain your kids, to play with them, to help them on the monkey bars, to hold their sweaters! I'm happy to do it a little... maybe once or twice. "It takes a village" and all, I know... so I AM a bit happy to help... But come on. I'm a stranger after all. And I have kids of my own. And I'M NOT YOUR BABYSITTER.

So look up every once in a while. Check on your kids. Make sure they're happy. Make sure they're still there for crying out loud. And please... if you see your kids ya know, INCESSANTLY HOUNDING ME, please intervene.