Tuesday, April 29, 2008

You've got to be kidding me.

... and we're back. But just for a moment.

I get tidbits here and there from the people I know who are still WMs. NO, I do not have a fake account nor do I want one, and I do NOT log in as, or read over the shoulder of, my close friends who still have active accounts (fucking speculate and conspiracy-theorize all you want... I don't fucking lie). OK, fine. I lie. I lied today, actually. But I am not lying about this.

I've heard some ridiculous things about this site lately. I can not believe how fast it has spiraled... or was it always this way, but I was ignorant to it??

I know it's very egocentric to think that the drama in which I was involved had anything to do with the total destruction of what I used to think was a wonderful resource, but...

If the foo shits.

Friday, April 25, 2008


Today, and lately, I hate nothing. Life is better than good...

Sunday, April 20, 2008


This post is sort of an addendum to the previous one. I think this person really bugged me!!!!

I just thought of another example to illustrate my gratitude point. This one is more meaningful, because it's not just about being/doing something nice for others who show no gratitude (actually, who show the OPPOSITE of gratitude). It's about gratitude and EXPECTATION.

There may be an expectation of certain things in life but it's important to remember that although something may be expected, you should still show gratitude.

For example (this isn't THE example I was thinking of, but, well, baby steps)... I thanked my Ob/Gyn repeatedly after my son was delivered. I was so, so grateful. Now, this guy gets a gazillion dollars every day for doing what he does. But that's his JOB. So it's expected that he is going to deliver babies safely, yet does he not deserve gratitude?! As long as he did everything "right," does he not deserve gratitude?

Here's the example to which I was referring in the beginning of the post.

I used to be a professional developer. Say what you will, but not everyone knows everything (and even more know nothing) so having a resource person on staff to support the teachers in mandated initiatives was not only useful, but also necessary.

A teacher was printing a test in my room one day, at the very end of her free period. There were several print jobs queued ahead of hers, so she had a little while to wait. I told her that I would keep an eye out for her test so that she could get to class. No big deal.

Her test printed out. I put it in her mailbox. She came to me later looking for it. I told her where I had put it. She all but freaked out, explaining that "you NEVER put tests in mailboxes." You never? Or you never? The other teachers in the room at the time rolled their eyes and reassured me that she was a high-strung lunatic (yes, this was validation... and it felt effing good).

But... ummmm... FA-Q! What was that?!?! It's my job to help you, for sure, but not everything I did appeared in my job description (I was not hired to be a waitress or a delivery girl). I was always happy to go above and beyond (part of my work ethic and stands true today). This was a little extra nothing that I thought I could do to help, yet got reamed for doing it.

It's so easy to criticize from the sidelines when you're useless and a lazy ass. Why do so many people fit that description? And why are the ones that do, proud of it?!

Saturday, April 19, 2008


I don't care what kind of pissy-ass mood you are in, or what kind of pissy-ass nasty and mean person you are... when someone does something nice for you, BE GRATEFUL.

I went to a (let's call it a) "party" recently. Many of our good friends were there, and a whole bunch of other people as well. It was a nice-sized crowd. It was a "party" in honor of a specific person. And she bitched the entire time she was there.

Did you ever see The Hand That Rocks The Cradle? There was a scene in that movie where the wife was brought home to a surprise party waiting for her. Of course, she didn't know that. She was in the kitchen, arguing (loudly) with her husband while the livingroom housed a whole mess o' guests, just waiting to enthusiastically yell "SURPRISE!!" When she finally went into the livingroom to greet the guests, they were visibly uncomfortable... and rightly so.

OK, this same thing didn't happen at this party, but as a guest, I felt awkward and weird. All of us did. We were visibly uncomfortable.

What is wrong with people? Why are people not immediately struck down by lightning when they act this way? Like, the people who ask for favors and then complain about how they were done. Or the ones who are given money but complain that they weren't given enough. Or the ones who get gifts but complain that they are not the right size, color, shape, price, or brand.

Seriously, people???? I KNOW that these people who complain when nice things are done are bad people (truly, just bad people... how can you live with yourself?) who are clearly bitter about something. But there are no excuses-- good or otherwise-- when people act, no ARE, ungrateful when efforts are made for them.

I just don't get it.

Thursday, April 17, 2008

Men are pigs.

I have a friend who bobs in and out of my life, and has for about ten years. He's one of those seriously unstable, volatile people who you just LOVE because you know the layers... and you know better... yet he pisses you off more often than not. Yet when he surfaces, you are THRILLED to hear from him. And then he pisses you off again and you're glad to see him go.

He pissed me off the other day (shocker!). Not at first. And not really. He just bewildered and annoyed me for a couple of days. And I knew exactly where to put the negativity!

I was emailing with him, and we were talking about reunions-- high school, college, etc. (not an entirely irrelevant detail... I am trying to illustrate the randomness of this comment). Within the context of the conversation, he randomly says (and I quote... errr, I copy/paste), "...you never used your body to your advantage."

I "whatevered" him, deleted the email, and that was going to be that. But I started thinking about the comment again last night, and in my never ending quest to over-analyze everything in life, I demanded an explanation. Here is our brief, totally dissatisfying, and slightly INFURIATING conversation... and I quote:

K: OK, I tried to ignore you and let it go, but I don't know what you mean. What made you say "you never used your body to your advantage." What does that mean?

F: I mean just what I said. Most women have some sort of physical attribute that can be used to their advantage in different parts of their lives, like work, home, friends, school, and so on. The smart ones use it and it usually works out for them. I would say that most men would agree with me. [C] and [T] are both bosses of smaller groups at work and they get to pick their teams. You should see the girls that work for them, and you will know what I mean.

K: This is not an acceptable explanation because it's a vague (and confusing) generalization and doesn't actually explain what you said to me, or why you said it specifically about me. Plus, it sounds completely sexist if I am interpreting your words correctly. Oh, and it doesn't really make sense. Did you proofread it!? Is it even worth me asking for more clarification??

F: Just trust me. Men think this way. It's not about T&A or anything, or how a girl looks at work, or anything. It's just about the physical things that men always look for in women, at work, in a relationship, or anywhere.

And although I am still totally mystified about what he meant and why he said it, I am placing it here to let it go. I will NOT obsess. I will NOT continue to ask questions. I will accept some things as stupid, ignorant, or just "not meant to be understood" and I will move on.

But I WILL say that if he meant what I think he meant, then all men are pigs. ;)

Wednesday, April 16, 2008


I don't know why, but I can not stand watching sports on TV... professional, college... doesn't matter. I can (and love to) watch virtually any sport LIVE, but when it's "just" on TV, I am bored to tears.

I guess the one exception is baseball. I am glued to the TV if/when there is a subway series, if/when my cousin is playing (he played for the Tigers, and now the Marlins), and if/when my New Yorkers play the Red Sux... er, Sox. I fucking HATE the Red Sox. I love Joe Torre though. Love him! Personally, I mean. I love him personally. I personally love him personally. I think he is a REALLY nice guy. And I'll miss him.

I hate all things Duke too. Sorry, Erica (it's actually your fault though). I know this is yet another thing that makes me an enemy of the state, but... well, it's the truth.

And ehhh, I half pay attention when Notre Dame plays anyone in anything, but that's because the lives of many people that I love hang in the balance.

Sunday, April 13, 2008

Things that make ya go HA!

"God gave us two ears and one mouth so we could listen twice as much as we speak."
-some character in a movie I saw today

HA! That is a funny quote. I wonder if it's true?? I always thought we had two ears so that we could hear (and sometimes even listen) no matter which way we tried to turn our heads to avoid it!!

Also, I just saw the AT&T commercial with Meatloaf. HA! My favorite part is when his son starts twitching his head, ya know, getting into the jam...

AND... what's with the Betty Crocker Warm Delights mini cakes!? The regular sizes aren't even big enough!

I hate the DENTIST

Well, not personally. I actually think my dentist is a nice guy. But the whole "dentist experience" is always so unpleasant. So I avoid it as long as possible (then end up in the ER, 5 months pregnant) and then finally cave... usually with many consequences...

Vicious cycle.

Saturday, April 12, 2008

An appropriate allusion...

I just read something hilarious in Time magazine:

"It's not part of my conditioning as a woman and as a Catholic-school girl to ever be disruptive..."
-Susan Sarandon

It's just funny is all.

HATE is a four-letter word too.

I thought of something else today that pissed me off, but I can't remember it now. It happened while we were out running some errands this morning. While I was trying to remember what it was, I said "hate" to myself a lot. "What the hell was it that pissed me off this morning? Ugh. I hate what...? Did someone do or say something I hate? Did I see something happen that I hate? I hate it when I can't remember..." Anyway, I realized that I was throwing the H-BOMB around quite a bit.

I guess I am going to use the word "hate" a lot. I don't truly hate many people, places, or things (inanimate or not)... I think "hate" is an extremely strong word with extreme meaning, just like the word "love." But I toss them both around like they're no big deal(s). They are though, really. To me, anyway.

I don't actually "love" Jim Halpert, but I say that I do (actually, I say that I looooooooove him). Sometimes you say things that you don't entirely mean, but in a simpler way that others understand. For example... I could say "I enjoy looking at and listening to Jim Halpert because I think he is attractive, intelligent, and hilarious... oh, and I occasionally picture myself as Katy, Karen, or especially Pam, etc. and dream about **CENSORED**" but it's just easier to say "love" in that scenario.

So although I will be saying "hate" a lot in this blog, I don't mean it literally. I'll try to remember to alert you if/when I use it for what it really means.


I have them.

I hate them.

They suck, especially here in Wilm.

My head aches, my nose runs incessantly, my eyes sting, and I can't... stop... sneezing. And I'm not just allergic to the thick blanket of pollen that seems to cover me wherever I go, but I am also allergic to cats, dogs, various grasses, cockroach poop... and a few other things.

I went to an allergist a few years ago-- actually, when I first got to Wilm and thought I was dying of some terminal disease when in reality, it was just good ol' allergies. He did the back-prick thing (which I was told doesn't hurt but ummmm it effing HURT) and my back puffed up all over for the strangest things.

D doesn't suffer from allergies. He's very lucky! I hope L isn't plagued by them either.

Friday, April 11, 2008

Damn words

I think it's annoying when people pronounce the "t" in the word often. Or when people say expecially. Or nurshery (nursery) and groshery (grocery). Or cyoopon (coupon). Or anything with a thick southern accent so that I can't understand...

Damn yankee.

I've run into some trouble.

I have a blog for my family/friends to read about my child and my life as a parent. I have one with funny/memorable quotes from the mouths of my family... and one for quotes from the mouths of my friends. I have one for my sister-in-law's wedding and one for my cousin's. I have one for the business that my sister and I have started. I have one for the mama drama. And now this one.

But here is my dilemma: where do I put the weird random things that I think about? Things that aren't about family, parenting, weddings, quotes, or bitchy moms from Wilm?

For example, today I was thinking about shoes. They are GENIUS. I know we'd all have developed nasty calloused feet and our skin would essentially have become our shoes, but how brilliant to make something to attach to our feet so that we could walk straight across glass or lava and still not feel a thing?

That's brilliant.

Out, out, damn anger!

I'm angry, I guess. I don't go screaming, yelling, cursing, puffing up at anyone, rolling my eyes, flipping my hands or finger, sucking my teeth. Personally, I just don't see those methods as productive. IMO, when you do things like that, no one stands to benefit (except maybe the one screaming, yelling, etc.) and you simply transfer the anger to someone else instead of getting rid of it altogether.

I (and several people I know) got caught up in a stupid situation that ended up just fine for each of us, I hope, but maybe not all of us as a group. Not yet, anyway. I can't and won't speak for anyone else (although I can make assumptions and judgments as I feel was done to me) but I can and will speak for myself. That's why I have this blog, I guess. This kind of cathartic post doesn't have ANY place on the blog I created years ago for my family and my child, and it doesn't belong on the mama drama blog because it's not all about those women.

I guess I didn't realize how angry I was until I was IMing a friend last night. All of the people in the "kicked out" crew, and a couple of others, IMed or texted me when they saw my status updates on MySpace and whatnot, which was thoughtful. At the time of those status updates, I was actually angry in general at mommy groups, and women, and bullshit, and liars, and instigators, and fakes... little bits of each of those things pushed me into a mood I was entitled to be in-- a mood I earned, after trying to act like an adult for a long time and trying to hope for the GOOD in people for a long time. I wasn't angry at anyone in particular. Some friends in general, people in general, but I wasn't being passive-aggressive and cryptic as I am sure it looked. Whatever.

A friend of mine recently said she was the most introspective person she knows. I think introspection is important for anyone! You need to look at, think about, consider yourself and what's going on in your head. She said (in reference to another person) "You don't know what's going on in [my head.] Only I know what's going on in [my head.]" Personally, I agree with AND ECHO THAT 100%. And I don't doubt that for a minute about this friend. But I think others doubt that statement about people in general. For example, I have met quite a few experts on ME recently. It's fascinating. (THAT WAS SARCASM... in case you didn't get it.)

What gives anyone the right to analyze words, actions, moods, behavior of others? I don't even think "trained professionals" have that right. Making analyses and judgments on other people (though we all do it, don't we... myself included?) is a severe violation of those people's rights to simply exist and do whatever they fucking want for whatever fucking reasons they want.

Anyway. Over the past few months, for a variety of reasons and because of a variety of people/things, I have felt a bunch of different ways. It's definitely hindered my ability to be who I really am, and it's definitely affected my relationships down here. I think I have been and will continue to be judged (I think there's irreparable damage) but now that's my cross to bear, because I am tired of trying to prove myself to strangers AND friends.

"Who cares what people think?" is a phrase I've heard a lot lately. I'm sure the answer varies from person to person. I think most people I know would say "Not me! Whatever! Fuck them all! I am who I am and if you don't like it, tough!" but I call bullshit. I think people care. I'm not saying you feel like you have to be liked by EVERYONE (which is what I think people think about ME), but I think, if you are a good person and proud of the good that you are, YOU CARE. When you are mislabeled (by ignorant mommy group administrators/members OR by friends, etc.), it's painful and knocks the wind out of you. And BECAUSE you care about the person you are, and are proud of the person you are, YOU CARE when you get mislabeled. Why is that so fucking taboo??

I've been accused of constantly seeking external validation, and maybe I am! Why would anyone want to be labeled as something awful-- something they are not-- and not want to fight it? It's bullshit if you ask me. I don't see it as seeking VALIDATION (I know who I am, and clearly only one of the few that do) but I AM very serious about the person I am, and it DOES bother me when/that people mislabel me. Is that external validation? If so, then fine. I'm seeking external validation. External validation comes in many forms-- I have a friend who gets it by being an unforgiving boss, a friend who got it from a blog review, a friend who gets it by feigning "fierce independence," a couple of friends who get it from one another, a friend who gets it by constantly telling me how unbelievably perfect her marriage is, etc. To an extent, we all get it and need it in some way or another. Not caring at least in SOME way or another separates you from being a human being. Unlike many other creatures, we have the ability to feel emotion. We have feelings. Why so many people try to hide or fake theirs is beyond me.

I am paranoid. Or rather, I have become paranoid (thanks, mommies of Wilm!!). I'm different than the specific group of friends I was "singled out" with from the mommies group. They are all very vocal and they are the screaming, yelling, and sometimes mean-types. NO JUDGMENT (I can definitely be mean). They know it, anyway. Actually, I'd say they are self-proclaimed "these things." But my style is just not the same as theirs for the reasons I stated above, and I think that has launched me into an entirely different category and dimension as theirs. I think it's been the source of tension for the group as a whole. I think conversations have been had and unpleasant things have been said. That's fine. I don't like it (who would?), but it's fine. We all have to vent somehow and to someone(s).

I try to be honest. Maybe "forthright" is a better word. I have never hidden anything from anyone (I probably should have, LOL... not everything HAS to be shared), I have never bitched, complained, or vented about my friends behind their backs. And you are a hypocrite, my faithful readers, if you have done so while also screaming "I say what I need to say to your face!" on the highest of pedestals...

I think forthrightness has become my enemy though. Who says "Honesty is the best policy"??? It's not. I have been honest and open and I have worn my heart on my sleeve and I have struggled and it was known and I have been hurt and I have done what I had to do to recover and I have been... well, whatever. I think if I had just "Whatevered" everything from the get-go, I'd be in a better position now. With the outside world. But I try to be true to myself so I did what I had to do, selfishly, for ME, and will just face the consequences.

I regret any exhaustion suffered by my friends, my husband, my sister, etc. The drama should have started and stopped on day 1, but it kept popping up here and there and I think that kept throwing a wrench in the works. I AM sorry. But don't worry. It's over now. Almost. ;)

I dropped out of (almost) all groups. I need time to re-connect with myself and really move on. I am giving, and taking, space. Hopefully it'll help.

SO I AM ANGRY. Or I was. I have a blog that helped me get rid of some of those feelings, and THIS blog is helping me get rid of the rest. There are residual feelings for sure, but time will take care of those, I hope. Time and TRUST. But...

I don't trust anyone. Sorry. I know trust is important in relationships. I hope to get it back someday.

Why can't we all just get along?

Tuesday, April 8, 2008

Girls suck!!

I just deleted this entire post and am replacing it with this one paragraph:

Girls (no matter how nice they seem) never have good intentions. No matter how pleasant or honest they claim, they never say nice things when you're not around to hear them.

Never trust a girl.

Friday, April 4, 2008


Surveys. Forwards. Chain mail. "Send this back to me in 10 minutes or you'll be cursed for life."

I never read forwards and I never open attachments. I don't care if "you know I never send forwards, but this one is worth it." I don't browse down the long email filled with pictures of cute animals dressed as people. That stuff is as annoying as the spam that consistently finds its way to my inbox, the stupid real estate fliers that violate my mailbox, and the telemarketers that don't respect the "Do Not Call" list.

There are a few people in my contact list that NEVER send me anything but annoying forwards. I have come THIS CLOSE to marking their addresses as spam, over and over again. And these are real people... IN MY LIFE...

Just. Please. STOP!!!!!!!!!!!

Online community pics

I hate those annoying types of pictures that people post in their MySpace, Facebook, etc. albums. You know the ones I'm talking about: they are usually just of the head, they typically involve a smoldering or pouty look... some of them even try to feign shock (What? You're taking my picture?) as if the people in the world are stupid and don't know that they took the picture themselves.

Awwww, hee hee. Giggle. Stop taking my picture! Wait, that wasn't a good one. Take it again. I mean, STOP!